That can only mean one thing… April’s Dipshit shall hereafter be referred to as May’s Fuckhead. You know, Fuckhead! The one who’s cozying up to every dictator strongman he can find, lying about literally anything—large or small—when confronted by the truth of his criminality/incompetence/sexism/racism/homophobia. The Fuckhead who’s packed his adminstration with every white supremacist, dead-eyed bigot and anti-reason clown he can scrape up. The Fuckhead whose only saving grace is his utter buffoonery, that keeps him from doing anything too dangerous, despite Republican control of essentially everything. The Fuckhead who turns every morning internet-check a breath-holding, stomach-churning ordeal to see if we’re still living in anything resembling a democracy.
Monday, May 1
—Fuckhead continues to shut out refugees from war-torn (non-white) countries while occasionally bombing non-white countries. Fuck you, Fuckhead.
—Fuckhead’s pick for Education Secretary, the right-wing dilettante Betsy DeVos, denied a Maine university’s application for Upward Bound programs due to a formatting error. I guarantee Betsy DeVos has no idea how to operate a Word document on her own.
—In another wet slap at the social programs he’s determined to undermine, has appointed white supremacist sexist lizard-boy Stephen Miller to a task force on women’s issues alongside daddy’s little girl Ivanka. Here’s little Stevie!
—Terrorist over-compensators the NRA would like to repeal any regulations against the use of silencers. Fuckhead loves this plan, naturally.
—Fuckhead and the Republicans (terrible band) continue their campaign to loot and pillage the environment before TrumpRussia really goes down. Out of the gate in May: fracking!
—Fuckhead and his #1 frenemy/fuckhead Paul Ryan are pushing for another, even crueler health care vote this week. Here’s a handy toolkit to contact the Republican reps still on the fence. Contact ’em and see if they actually still have souls! (Oddly, Maine’s Bruce Poliquin is on the “on the fence” list. Shocker.)
I mean, I’m not NOT proud…
Tuesday, May 2
—PWAF is mailing your reps, urging them to oppose the AHCA (the Republicans’ patently evil health plan). My rep is Chellie Pingree, who’s cool, but sent it anyway.
—Same for the American Cancer Society.
—Volkswagen is doin’ some union-bustin’, which they should stop.
—Fuckhead, a noted fan of sexual assault, is attempting to weaken protection for women on college campuses. Because of course he is.
—PFAW, again. Against bigoted slime-lizard Stephen Miller, again.
—The Republicans want to cut Social Security. Because, well, you know.
—Sherrod Brown also calls bullshit on that. I’m paraphrasing.
—Sometimes Twitter pays off like an unexpected slot machine.
Okay, I’m a little proud of this one.
Wednesday, May 3
—Called Bruce “Undecided until I see which way the wind blows” Poliquin, urging his answering machine to vote against the AHCA.
—Chellie Pingree had a petition against the AHCA, so I signed it, as she is the good Maine congressperson.
—Same for Martin Heinrich, who’s not from Maine, but seems like another good one.
—Joined in signing for Caterpillar to not allow their cool trucks and backhoes and so forth to build Fuckhead’s racist, farcial Game of Thrones wall.
—Fuckhead is planning to issue an Executive Order allowing religious bigots to cite their rights to discriminate against LGBTQ people. Just…
—Jordan Howard was 15. He was black in Texas and a cop shot him to death and then lied about the threat the boy posed. The cop, Roy Oliver, has been fired. He needs to be brought up on criminal charges.
—Twitter, including, for a change, a whole lot of grief from some Bernie Sanders supporters. They don’t like it when you call them out for putting college sophomore purity politics over actual political process.
Look, it’s a little braggy. But fuck this family.
Thursday, May 4
—Joe Kennedy (who, again, is not the loony anti-vaxxer Kennedy) petition trying to keep House Republicans from passing the horribly cruel and transparently greedy AHCA.
—Sherrod Brown, too.
—And Tom Udall.
—Called Bruce Poliquin all morning. About 25 times before getting through—jam those phone lines, people. According to his very nice staffers, he’s still—wait for it—undecided! AKA, waiting to see if he can go along with the majority for political cover because he is a sad little man.
—The Republicans in the House passed it. I called Susan Collins. She’s next.
—Went online and found the closest anti-Poliquin rally I could. It was in Lewiston, so I drove up there to find a dozen or so old people who have made picketing Poliquin and Collins their business for a while now. They loaned me a sign, I stood and chatted, and waved my sign with them for an hour, and then drove an hour home. I hope it was helpful, at least for them. They seemed surprised and pleased I found them online and actually turned up. I dunno—I needed to do something. I’ll do more, and they’re all clearly not going to stop.
—On the way home, I called Poliquin again, post-vote. Got the machine. Told it I was going to make defeating him my fucking new hobby. Click.
Saturday, May 6
—Wrote my usual Saturday Night Live review for the AV Club, which tended more toward the silly this week (Baldwin only Trumped it up on the phone), but got in some decent shots. (It was actually a really funny episode—watch “SWAT Recon” if you want to be happy for three minutes.)
—Also wrote my SNL Newswire about a surprisingly smart Handmaid’s Tale sketch/parody they did. Thought it was going to go obvious, and it broadened the focus nicely.
Sunday, May 7
Monday, May 8
—PFAW for net neutrality. John Oliver urged viewers to flood the FCC with messages last night. We crashed the FCC website.
—Texas has passed SB 4, a bill allowing cops to ask any brown person to “show papers.” No, I am not exaggerating. Let’s all mess with fucking Texas. A lot.
—Fuckhead has finally gotten around to nominating judges left vacant by the Republicans blocking President Obama’s appointments. His first nominee, Amul Thapar, is predictably atrocious.
—The battle to murder people goes to the Senate. Petition to stop the AHCA.
—Top to bottom, biggest to smallest, Fuckhead is nothing but duplicity and greed and slime. He is keeping the White House visitor logs secret.
—Billionaire right-wing dilettante Betsy DeVos is planning to speak at Bethune-Cookman, an HCBU. 1. She’s a fraudulent DOE head. 2. Trump just threatened the existence of HCBUs.
Tuesday, May 9
—Bob Casey petition urging the Senate to cut the shit, healthcare-wise.
—And Tammy Baldwin.
—HAHAHA, Fuckhead just fired James Comey, head of the FBI. You know! The one in charge of investigating #TrumpRussia! And the FBI just handed down some subpoenas to associates of proven traitor Mike Flynn! They came out right after Comey got fired! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA… We are FUCKED! Anyway, here’s a petition for an independent investigation from Kamala Harris.
—And Martin Heinrich.
—Got to write about The Daily Show reunion held on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert last night for the AV Club. It was mostly chummy, which was nice. These folks need a little warmth before they get back to their day jobs, finding new ways to make this ongoing nightmare funny
—Twitter. Where, I’m told, I swear quite a bit.
Wednesday, May 10
List of people/organizations calling out Fuckhead’s aspirational authoritarianism in firing Comey.
—The National Democratic Redistricting Committee. (“…slashing democratic norms on his way to what is looking more and more like authoritarian rule.”)
—Common Defense. (“Trump knows that any full investigation will expose him for what he really is: a lying, corrupt, illegitimate fraud who betrayed the country we swore to defend.”)
—Chris Murphy. (“No matter the mistakes made by Director Comey, the timing of his firing suggests that President Trump is trying to improperly influence or block the ongoing FBI investigation into his campaign’s collusion with Russia.”)
—Change.org. (“We, the people, through Mr. Trump’s actions, have lost faith in a system that he has the power to manipulate. We will never regain faith in that system if it allows this kind of behavior to go unchecked.”)
—Color of Change. (“Recently fired FBI Director James Comey must testify this week and must give a thorough update on the status of the investigation into Russian interference in our elections.”)
—Senator Angus King (I-ME). (“After President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey, it became abundantly clear that we must have an independent investigation into whether Russia influenced the presidential election.”)
—Senate candidate Beto O’Rourke, who’s looking to unseat racist toad-man Ted Cruz. (“Enough is enough. It’s time for Congress to do its part.”)
—Wrote about Seth Meyers’ quite able takedown of this shitshow for the AV Club. They’ve got me scouring the late night shows for anything noteworthy, so getting paid (a little) to highlight such things feels nice.
Thursday, May 11
—That new late night show beat at the AV Club means lots of published Trump content. This time, he went after Stephen Colbert. Colbert’s response was pretty perfect.
Friday, May 12
—NARAL has a li’l Mother’s Day card they’re sending out to woman-hating healthcare ghouls Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell.
—Fuckhead wants to allow people to kill hibernating bears. Just because his idiot sons think it’s cool, most likely. You know, as long as the sleeping bears are really, really sleepy.
—Change.org petition to draft all the living (or barely living, as H.W.’s case may be) presidents to join their mostly symbolic forces to call for a special prosecutor for #TrumpRussia.
—On the late-night AV Club front, write about Veep’s Tim Simons making fun of Fuckhead’s inability to keep from blurting out defensive, sweaty half-confessions like a child.
Saturday, May 13
—Not one fucking penny for Fuckhead’s fraudulent, transparently racist voter suppression task force, featuring grinning bigot-king of same Kris Kobach.
—Another one, from the ACLU. And read up about Kobach. He’s genuinely evil.
—Repressed bigot stereotypes like Vice President Mike Pence think gay people should be sent to “conversion therapy” where they can pray away their actual selves or, failing that, have it electro-shocked out of them. Only monsters would even think of this.
—The Democrats really need to work up the courage to shut this shitshow down until there’s a special prosecutor for #TrumpRussia.
—There was an SNL last night, which means I wrote about it for the AV Club. I described the Trump humor therein as being like scattershot punches, some below the belt. I thought it was some of the best work they’ve done on the topic. (Plus it was just a good episode.)
—And, since they trotted out another McCarthy-as-Spicer sketch, I wrote about that, too.
—So much Twitter.
“Did I get him? Is this over? No I didn’t? Nothing matters? Absolutely nothing matters?”
Sunday, May 14
—Wrote about John Oliver’s takedown of the American for-profit dialysis industry. I know, it sounds dull, but Oliver makes it funny and infuriating. Sort of his specialty. #SaveACA.
—All the Twitter.
Monday, May 15
—Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…[extended Joker laugh]. Fuckhead divulged classified information… [wait for it]… given to us by an ally… [wait for it]… to the Russians. We are all gonna die. For real.
—Release Fuckhead’s taxes. I mean, nothing matters at this point, but c’mon.
—Wee hate goblin Jeff Sessions wants to go back to the failed, racist drug policies of the War on Drugs.
—Net neutrality. See John Oliver clip, above.
Tuesday, May 16
—Join Senator Kamala Harris in calling out Fuckhead’s latest treason, won’t you.
—Republican Rep. Rodney Frelinghuysen personally contacted the employer of someone who opposed his unwavering support of Fuckhead’s agenda. She’s now out of a job.
—Squandering all that sweet goodwill it got from standing up for the truth/against Trump, the New York Times has hired climate change denier Bret Stephans as a columnist. C’mon, son.
—Along those lines, NBC has hired Fox News race-baiter Megyn Kelly. Sure, she quit Fox and bashed Trump some after he went after her in a typically sexist, gross way, but she’s a creep. NBC’s no NYT, but, c’mon, son.
—Just impeach, already.
—Donated $15 to Montana progressive Rob Quist, trying to flip a seat.
I keep posting these, but, if a little internet nobody’s snarky putdown of you transparent, traitorous lie gets twice as much attention, you’re not doing well. At all.
Wednesday, May 17
—Wrote about Seth Meyers taking a piñata-whacker to Trump’s very bad, no good day for the AV Club. Oh, that day: Made an asshole of himself in his commencement speech to the Coast Guard Academy, whining about the press being mean to him; Fired FBI director James Comey now alleging that Trump (I mean Fuckhead—apologies) directly asked him to knock of that whole “investigating Mike Flynn being a Russian agent” thing; Democrats in congress now openly throwing around the term “impeachment” while Republicans hid under their desks with their fingers in their ears rather than appear to be defending Fuckhead; Oh, and the bombshell that former FBI director Robert Mueller has been appointed as a special counsel investigating—#TrumpRussia.
Thursday, May 18
—Petition for the Senate to add an equal number of women to the health care working group. You know, even though the Republicans would seek out the six worst women in the country, but still.
—Republicans and their NRA paymasters/abusive boyfriends want to ban those pesky “no gun zones.” At schools. Where children are.
—Despite not having drinkable, non-poisonous water for three years (they still don’t), 8000 residents of Flint, Michigan are in danger of being evicted for not paying their poison bills by Governor Rick Snyder. Shocker—he’s a Republican.
—Alex Jones’ lunatic rant conspiracy site-hole InfoWars just got White House press clearance. Among other things, Jones says the Sandy Hook massacre of school children was a hoax.
—Also wrote about Stephen Colbert mocking the crap out of Jones, who just lost a libel suit to a yogurt company. Oh, and lost legal rights to his kids. For being an insane bigot, among other things.
Friday, May 19
—Wrote a jokey Newswire for the AV Club about human charm machine Dwayne Johnson talking about running for president one day. The Drudge Report picked it up, sending literally thousands of crude little assholes to the comments to mock it, me, the AV Club, Hillary, those who don’t think 9/11 was an inside job, women, gays, Jews, and Johnson, too, I guess. My wonderful colleague Laura at the AV Club, who’s in charge of such things, emailed to joke about how many racist, sexist, gay-bashing little pricks she was permanently banning, as the AV Club is a place for people who can read and have thoughts and stuff. Great work, Trumpies. At the slightest provocation, you show who you really are.
Saturday, May 20
—Fuckhead wants to renegotiate NAFTA to pad some pockets and rape some earth.
—Sherrod Brown thinks it’s a sick joke that Trump gets to appoint a political crony to take the place of James Comey. People are suggesting Joe Lieberman, God help us.
—The Presidential Tax Transparency Act. Seriously.
Sunday, May 21
—Wrote about John Oliver doing us a public service by reminding us of all the various Trumpian scandals this week alone. Seriously—so, so many.
Monday, May 22
—Wrote about Rachel Maddow talking Trump on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert. Not gonna read the comments on this one. Just not gonna do it.
—Also reviewed Daily Show correspondent and comedian Hasan Minhaj’s excellent, deeply human new standup special that puts so funny and human a face on the immigrant experience that only a Trump voter could sneer at it. I know these don’t count as direct action of any kind, but I’m told they’re getting upward of 20,000 hits, so I’ll count it.
—Twitter. Which gets a whole lot fewer than 20,000 eyes on it. (Or 40,000 eyes, I guess. You get it.)
Tuesday, May 23
—Wrote about Rachel Maddow talking all things Trump on Colbert.
—Yeah, Trump needs to release his tax returns. Trump will never release his tax returns. Trump is a criminal about 50 times over in those tax returns.
—PFAW is opposing the pistol-packing yahoos Trump is trying to cram onto the federal courts.
Wednesday, May 24
—Martin Heinrich petition urging Republicans in the Senate to not literally murder sick people in order to give tax breaks to the wealthy.
—Maine’s Angus King wants net neutrality. So do all people not beholden to huge, greedy, censoring corporations.
—John McCain is a MAVERICK! In that he chirps about being “concerned” that Trump is trampling all over the Constitution and making a mockery of America and then votes with Trump 93% of the time. Wrote about him chirping on Late Night With Seth Meyers.—Twitter.
Thursday, May 25
—Wrote about White House correspondent April Ryan appearing on Colbert, where she was a whole lot more diplomatic about this horrifying shitshow than I can be. See?
Friday, May 26
—PFAW petition for Montana Thugpublican Greg Gianforte to resign from his just-won seat in congress for beating up a reporter, lying about it, and basically being a fascist pig.
Saturday, May 27
—Jared Kushner is so clearly an over-his-head Russian asset along the lines of Timothy hutton in The Falcon And The Snowman that he’s gotta be kicked out of the White House before he really breaks something important.
—Fuckhead just can’t wait to strip mine some national monuments.
—Why has the New York Times hired climate change denier Bret Stephens? Anyone? I’m at a loss.
Sunday, May 28
—Petition for Paul Ryan to keep reporter-beating Republican thug Greg Gianforte from taking his seat in the House. Which is something, in a time when American politicians had anything resembling human souls, wouldn’t be an issue because this brutal dipshit would have been shamed into resignation and ignominy immediately.
—PFAW vs. Citizens United.
—Another group that thinks the Republican healthcare plan is a grotesque, cruel scab of a thing: mental health professionals.
Monday, May 29
—If a Democrat were fleecing the taxpayers to this extent, Republicans would not be this quiet while they line their pockets.
—A logging company is suing Greenpeace and others for $300 million for exposing their environmentally awful practices. Petition to the various book publishers who are the loggers’ biggest clients, which is pretty ingenious, actually.
—Petition from Maine’s one decent member of the House, Chellie Pingree, urging Fuckhead not to drop out of the Paris Climate Accords.
Tuesday, May 30
—Black college student Richard Collins III was murdered by a white supremacist. This is happening. Petition from UMD students for the college to crack down on hate speech.
—Others are calling for Facebook to crack down on white supremacist assholes on their platform as well.
—Fuckhead and his GOP minions are attempting to expand their party’s shamelessly fraudulent crackdown on nonexistent “voter fraud” as a way to disenfranchise those people whose votes they know they’ll never, ever get.
Wednesday, May 31
—Wal Mart treats its female workers even worse than its male workers. Shocker.
—Samantha Bee is back from vacation. 1. Bee should not be allowed to take vacations while this shitshow is ongoing. 2. Wrote about her interview with Watergate conspirator/informant John Dean, who said Trump would be more dangerous if he and his crew weren’t so goddamned stupid. Paraphrasing, of course.
—And a month of Twitter fights down. Here comes June. Bring it, dummies.